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27 January 2010 @ 11:56 pm
Dominants have expectations, standards, and requirements for submissives, such as wearing particular clothing, maintaining some level of obedience, having a certain appearance, being interested in certain fetishes, etc.  
Since BDSM (and D/s in particular) is a two-way street, I'm wondering what sort of expectations, requirements and standards submissives have for Dominants, beyond safety and trustworthiness.  
I, personally, expect a Dominant to set a good example. Don't tell  me I need to hit the gym if you're sporting a beer gut so large you look 8 months pregnant. Don't encourage me to eat healthier while shoveling junk food in your mouth. Don't expect me to appear as eye candy if you're not going to make an effort to dress well, yourself.  
I expect to be treated with a certain level of respect and appreciation. I'm doing this to please you; say "thank you" once in a while. Recognize when I'm going out of my way to make you happy. Ask for my input and actually listen to what I'm saying. Remember that I submit to you; it is my choice. My surrender is a gift to you, just as your Dominance and guidance is a gift to me.  
Treat me like the intelligent human being I am. Don't patronize me or feel that you need to explain every little thing. I know about the birds and the bees, I know how a vehicle engine runs, I know how to use Google, and I know how a 3D film works. Trust me on that last one; I've been running a 4D film for several years now, and have had to explain both 3D and 4D to thousands of people. If I want or need to know something, and I believe you are the most reliable source for the information I seek, I'll ask.  
And on that note, trust is reciprocal. I'm trusting you to know what you're doing and to refrain from actually hurting and breaking me, so have a little faith in my abilities. If you can't trust me to use a safeword or safe signal when and if it is needed, why the fuck would I want to play with you, and why would you want to play with me? Don't ask me every 5 minutes if everything's OK; I'll let you know if something's amiss.  
I require a Dominant who knows the value of silence and understands that the world is not going to end if people shut the fuck up once in a while. I like to enjoy the ride, take in the scenery, hear the music, watch the show, relax, meditate. 
If we just met, I'm not going to cum on command, or kneel, or suck  your cock, or call you "Sir", or any number of other things. Don't be a moron.  
To me, cleanliness and organization are virtues. I'm not saying that your life has to be constantly mapped out or that your home should be spotless, but it shouldn't take 10 minutes to find something (unless it is genuinely lost), and I shouldn't have to compete with dirty clothes and rubble if I'm going to kneel on the floor. If you want my face anywhere near your carpet, break out a fucking vacuum cleaner once in a while. I will not subject myself to filth. I once met a wanna-be Dom whose living area was so cluttered and chaotic that there were dirty dishes (which had morphed into science experiments) strewn about, and I couldn't take two steps in his room without tripping over something. The floor could not be found without the use of an archeological digging crew, and peering under the bed (if it could be found amongst the rubble) required spelunking equipment.  
These are just a few examples. Frankly, I'm sick and tired of Dominants who have high standards for their submissives and play partners, yet low standards for themselves. Perhaps it's time for submissives to not only develop higher standards for Dominants, but to hold them to those standards. 
Yes, there are risks within the BDSM lifestyle, and there can be massive rewards, but we must never forget that with risks and rewards come responsibilities.
27 January 2010 @ 11:43 pm
I want to start using sub drop as a time of reflection, of meditation. Why does this time hurt more or less than my last scene? What could I have done differently? What am I feeling (Mental drop? Emotional drop? Physical withdrawal?) and why?  
Immediate aftercare is good, but it doesn't address the Mack truck that appears hours or days later to run me down. As a result, I've become quite the self-soother. I think it's time for a change, though; the usual techniques seem somehow lacking. 
It's time to search within myself and come up with new ways to heal. I'm viewing this as a tough but solveable challenge, and in figuring it out, I'm sure to be one tenacious little girl. ;-P
27 January 2010 @ 11:41 pm
As the hot, soapy water trickled across her flesh, she gasped at the mixture of pain and pleasure. Tears sprang forth as she stood, letting the sensations wash over her as surely as the liquid flowed over her skin. 
Pulling back the curtain, He stepped into the tub, washcloth in hand. The familiar scent of lavender and chamomile filled the room as He applied soap to the cloth...a perfect herbal combination to relax her mind, soothe her skin and ease her bruising. Wrapping an arm around her waist from behind, He pulled her closer and began to gingerly run the cloth across her back. Occasionally pausing to press His lips to her flesh, savoring her bruises, kissing her welts, He tenderly washed away her blood, her sweat, her tears and cum. The soapy cloth felt soft against her skin as He cleansed every inch of her body, caressing, soothing, possessing.  
Rinsing her gently, He spun her around, lifted her chin, and gazed into her eyes. Grasping her throat, He pushed her slowly toward the wall, the tile cold and hard against her back. Removing His hand, He stepped closer, caressing her cheek before twisting His fingers into her hair. Pressing His lips to hers, His arms locked around her in a warm embrace. Her lips parted, willingly accepting Him as He pulled her closer. Growling into her ear, His words were forceful and true. 
"Tonight you will surrender to me over and over. Tonight you will be MINE." 
Stepping out of the tub, He dried her tenderly as she bowed her head. Taking her face in His hands, He spoke. 
"Go kneel beside the bed and wait for me." 
Not daring to speak, she obeyed, kneeling quietly, her face pressed to the carpet, her hair still wet and dripping. 
She waited as He finished showering, a fusion of fear and longing creeping across her heart, mind, body and soul.
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27 January 2010 @ 11:40 pm
These are the kinds of things that pop into my head at 2am when I cannot fall asleep... 
Lying in bed, wrapped in His arms, warm and sated from being deliciously and thoroughly taken, she rested her head on His torso, watching His chest rise and fall with each breath. 
His prize claimed, He relished her warmth, caressing her face with one hand as the other rested in the small of her freshly bruised back. 
As He moved His hand across her spine, she gasped, wincing and digging her fingers into His chest. 
"Mmm. That sounded delightful." Again, He caressed, His fingers seeking out those delicate welts and blue-purple marks, pressing ever-so-slightly...just enough to elicit a response. Her thigh pressed against His as she inhaled sharply. 
Grasping her hair, He raised her head and issued His command. 
"Look at me." 
Obeying, she gazed into His eyes as He once more searched her back for tender spots, raking His nails across her flesh, digging in to her pressure points, lightly pressing against the fresh bruises. Gasping and moaning in exquisite pain, she stared at Him through tear-filled eyes. Grazing the side of her torso, He marveled at the smoothness of her skin, drinking in every curve, caressing the side of her breast before returning once again to the delicate red and purple spots on her back. 
Her gasps of pain became moans of pleasure, desire, lust. Silently pleading, her eyes staring deeply into His, she begged for more. 
Little did she know, the aftercare had not yet begun...
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27 January 2010 @ 11:38 pm
My life generally centers around catering to the needs and desires of others, or it has up to this point. At work I cater to the needs of my visitors, making their experience a time of education, engagement, and entertainment. As a Top, I cater to the needs of the bottom. As a bottom/submissive, my focus is on serving the Top/Dom.  
I've never really left room for what I want, nor even the idea that it's OK for me to have desires of my own; I simply put others before myself - it is something that comes naturally, a part of my personality that I never want to lose, and I take time to ground myself when things get rough. 
Last night was a breakthrough, on sooooo many levels. In what was probably the most NON-sexual scene I've ever done, I got to "play" with someone I view as a sort of teacher/mentor. Lying there in safety and support, I'd never felt so "at home." There wasn't really much guidance or directing of the scene, just back-and-forth discussion, supportive snuggles, and soothing petting. Whatever popped into my head was allowed to flow. Laughter, frustration, fear, tears, release.  
I finally felt the freedom to WANT, to have desires. It's OK to want things, and I don't have to feel shame or guilt or fear about it. And it's OK if I don't get everything I want, because it's also OK to simply enjoy those feelings of desire.  
In retrospect, it seems so simple, but holy HELL! That realization, self-acceptance and mental/emotional release made me feel like an entirely new woman. I felt animal, base, instinctual desire; it was to date the most raw emotion I've ever experienced. I didn't have to censor myself, just let it flow.  
Today, every inch of my body is sore, and I cry every time someone bumps into me and hits one of the now even more pronounced bruises, but I've never felt more alive. Or happier. I finally feel as though I really have something to offer prospective partners. I can offer myself, all that I am, all that I have, all that I have been, all that I will be...and I am pretty fucking awesome, whether others see it or not.   
'Cause, you know, if I don't take care of me, if I'm not happy, how can I make others happy? If I'm filled up and overflowing, I have everything to give. :-D
27 January 2010 @ 11:37 pm

After an eternity of searching, I finally found the right words to describe how my animal persona feels when She goes feral. 
Florence and The Machine - "Howl" 
If you could only see the beast you've made of me 
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free 
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart 
Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart 
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in 
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl 
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in 
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to 
Howl, howl 
Howl, howl 
Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack 
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out 
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound 
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground 
Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins 
I want to find you, tear out all of your tenderness 
And howl, howl 
Howl, howl   
Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers 
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them into hunters 

Hunters, hunters, hunters 
Hunters, hunters, hunters 
The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress 
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest 

The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound 
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground 
And howl, howl 
Howl, howl 
Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers 
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them into hunters 
A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night 
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright 
If you could only see the beast you've made of me 
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free 
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound 
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallowed ground  
Funny - I used to live with three dogs, and on rare occasions they'd howl so that it felt and sounded like soul crying. We used to say that they were singing, and it was truly something to behold. I'll never forget that Autumn night I stripped naked, went outside, knelt on all fours in the dirt and fallen leaves, and sang with them. It was so pure and moving and spiritual. Being "broken" during edge play has almost the same results. 
The desire to reach that headspace is what I refer to as "Primal-Grrr."

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27 January 2010 @ 11:34 pm

Inspired by the "Not Aftercare" group here on Fetlife, along with my own observations/experiences with people who give AMAZING aftercare vs. those who could use a few pointers (and some people who just plain SUCK at it), I started scouring the 'net for info on aftercare, specifically to answer the question of "How many groups/organizations actually teach anything on this subject, what exactly is being taught, and what are people saying about it?" 
From [The BDSM Site](http://thebdsmsite.org), this is a pretty decent article on the importance of [Aftercare](http://www.thebdsmsite.org/KBTaftercare1.htm). 
The last line is rather insightful, too: "And the silver lining of aftercare is that caring action can salvage a weak, or broken scene, and make a potentially unpleasant experience worthwhile anyway." Damn right it can. Recent experience has taught me that even if a scene unexpectedly goes horribly wrong, just putting forth some effort to try and provide aftercare can save the trust from being eroded. Otherwise, one can end up in a situation where either they no longer have a partner to play with at all, as the trust/bond has been destroyed beyond repair, or both parties have to work diligently to mend the wounds. 
While the info I was able to find during my search was pretty good, one thing I noticed is that the issue of aftercare is usually directed toward the Sadist/Top/Dom/Master, with little-to-no info or guidance for Masochists/bottoms/subs/slaves. This seems, to me, to be a gross oversight.  
(Minor side tangent:) There are a LOT of bottoms (and I'm one of them) who bitch about either inadequate or completely lacking aftercare. And I'll be the first to admit that I don't usually negotiate those needs beforehand. I like to leave room for improvisation in a scene, so my limits are generally pretty flexible, and I tend to look at aftercare as a way to "read" the Top: after a scene, what is the Top's natural reaction? This gives me some insight into their inherent abilities as a play partner (what comes naturally to them? where do I need to speak up/draw the line/explain my needs?). It's a learning experience; if I don't like the aftercare, I know to be more vocal about my needs next time. It's part of growing and learning about my partner, getting to know them, sharing myself with them, etc. Sometimes I end up with play partners who have a natural talent for looking at the overall scene (was it intense? light and easy? what sort of headspace is the bottom in right now?) and judging exactly what sort of aftercare is appropriate. Once in a while, I end up with someone who thinks that as long as I got the kind of play I was looking for, aftercare isn't necessary, and I end up in a funk for a few days trying to provide my own aftercare. While I can't say that I enjoy those situations, it's a way to learn exactly what my needs are after various scenes, and how to heal myself (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.), so I just view it as the price I pay for my particular style of play, and I do my best to take responsibility for putting myself there. 
(Getting back on subject:) While it is quite crucial for Tops to know about aftercare and how to administer it, I think it is just as important for bottoms to know how to recognize and negotiate for their aftercare needs. 
26 December 2009 @ 12:27 pm
The night before He left for His trip home, I almost said those five very scary words..."I like you" and "Yes, Master." YIKES!

He is NOT my Master...I have a collar, but it is more of a play collar, security blanket, and jerk deterrent. It is not an official collar. We have a Dom/sub arrangement, NOT a Master/slave one. But, DAMN! I really, REALLY didn't want Him to leave, and I was feeling VERY subby. It almost slipped out.

And, well, I don't get into the whole lovey-dovey thing. If I say "I like you" it's a very big deal for me. Love and romance are just waaaay too emotional, and I'm more of a logical, practical person. I use phrases such as "I have a crush on you" or "I want to play with you" or "I want to fuck you." So, um, that almost slipped out, as well.

Tonight I have a play date with someone new (to me, at least). He seems to be a very nice guy, and he fits well into the category of "type of guy I find attractive." The only thing is that this is a scene I've never done before, and it's with this new person, AND it will be a private scene. I haven't bottomed for anyone but Sir and a VERY close friend in quite a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and looking forward to our scene. And this has nothing to do with him...like I said, He's very nice and certainly attractive; he's also played with a few of the other girls in my Leatherfam (one scene I helped co-Top, actually). I'm just skittish about playing with someone new and trying something new. I really wish Sir was here to talk me through it and to either co-Top or at least hold me or hold my hand during the scene. I want to do this, but I'm kinda freaking out.
Current Mood: nervousnervous
18 December 2009 @ 10:17 am
For those who don't already know, I was in a wreck last night in DC. Normally, I'd simply count my blessings and thank the Universe that nobody was hurt (trust me, I've done this a thousand times already), however, the problem is compounded by the fact that A) my car is really fucked up, B) I have to come up with a $500 deductible, which wouldn't be so bad except for...C) I took a week off from work to recover from the sexual assault incident, and since I don't get paid time off, I'm lacking that money.

So, I'm not asking for donations (although if you're feeling generous, I won't decline them at this point), but I am asking if there's anything I can provide people with as a way to EARN the $500. Or if you have any ideas besides the stuff listed below, please let me know!    

I can sell the following items:

Soaps - Handmade, options include: Breath of Fresh Air (a eucalyptus/mint combo), Fresh Mint, Aloe Vera, Cease and DeStress (A Lavender/Chamomile combo), Citrus, Ocean Rain, Green Tea w/Honey-Vanilla-Chai, Woodlands, Harvest Fest, Lavender, Sandman Sauce (Sandalwood, Cedarwood, Lavender, Chamomile, Ylang Ylang), Vanilla Pear, and Gaiya's Blend (and earthy/floral blend)

Bath Salts/Body Scrubs - Handmade, options include: Breath of Fresh Air, Fresh Mint, Lilac, Rose, Apple Caramel Crunch, Ginger Spice, Berries and Creme, Lemon, French Vanilla Pear, Cucumber Mint, Ginger Lemon, Ocean Rain, Oatmeal/Milk/Honey, and Palmarosa

Bath Tea - Handmade, options include: Relaxation, Chamomile, Lavender, and Rosemary

Gemstone Jewelry - Handmade Bracelets, Earrings, Necklaces, Anklets...all made with real gemstones, all VERY affordable (can provide pics)

Silk and Velvet scarves - Hand-rolled and hand-sewn edges, hand-dyed using fiber reactive dyes (this means the dye permanently bonds with the fabric), all can be cared for at home (washing instructions are included), can provide pics    

I can provide the following services:

Sewing - I have a nice selection of fabric, and am able to make basic pieces (skirts, shirts, bags, cloaks). Alternately, if you have something to be converted, let me know. I have converted T-shirts into halters, shrugs, skirts, dresses, bags, jewelry, capelets, scarves, pants, pillows, gloves, leggings, IPOD/Cellphone covers, ponchos, belts, bathing suits, and satchels. I have converted a pair of leather pants into 2 nice skirts. I have also modified bondage gear...altered a pair of leather mitts, and resized a leather arm binder. I have also made BDSM gear, such as kitty ears for pet play, fetish wear, and fabric floggers.

- Full body or individual areas. I have a decent selection of essential and frangrance oils.  

- Vanilla or fetish. I have a great digital SLR camera that takes awesome photos, and I have various photo editing software programs. I have done pet photos, graduation photos, holiday photos, landscape photos, and various fetish photos. 

Domination - While I do not consider myself a Pro-Domme, I am more than willing to provide a safe environment for paid play dates. I am a very experienced Top/Dominant in the areas of knife play, sensual play, tease and denial, CBT, foot worship, breath play, human furniture, sensual restraints, kidnapping, interrogation, anal sex, humiliation, spanking, mummification, rough body play, and strap-on play.    

(On the flip side...I am a switch, after all!) Service - Household cleaning, laundry, organization.
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Current Mood: distresseddistressed
07 December 2009 @ 02:09 pm
Sit on Santa's lap and win prizes!