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01 March 2010 @ 10:58 am
Change is good  

I am a slave. (Go ahead. Take a minute to consider that. Hell, I needed a week to process and let it sink in.)

Such a simple statement, with so many connotations.

Admittedly, this is something I've struggled with for a long time, something I've resisted, vehemenently declaring, "I'M NOT A SLAVE!" "I'm a switch, dammit!" "Fuck you! You can't control me!" Sometimes the things we hate/fear the most are the things we really crave, and this past week I was eating those words like a massive slice of humble pie.

Part of the reason I've fought it is because it's such a...label. There are far too many who do not understand it, and there are those who would take advantage. Add on the element of power exchange, of giving up control and consent...well, it was a lot to accept. I didn't think I was ready for it, but apparently the Powers That Be decided to push it through, anyway: "Here, ya go! You've fought it long enough. Oh, you're drowning? It's ok, you LIKE waterboarding! Sink or swim, bitch!"

Some have been following my journey over the past year, watching me descend deeper and deeper into a slave mindset, and when I finally accepted it, they replied with a very insightful, "Well, DUH!" Yeah, thanks guys. I love you, too. It's like when your friends and family all know you're gay, but you're still in the closet; I finally "came out." I had always wondered why people gave me funny looks when I said that my limits were flexible, that I liked to leave room for improvisation in a scene, that if the Top/Dom took the scene in a different direction, I'd go with the flow...but "I'm not a slave." Now I know. (Chomp, chomp. Tasty humble pie!) I've been eternally blessed with a very loving, very kick-ass Leatherfam, along with a hoarde of dear friends; they really are amazing people. One friend in particular has been a source not only of inspiration, but also support and guidance, and we've been in a teacher/student dynamic for a while. This past week, we made it official, and I am beyond grateful to have a mentor who can help me along this new path. He's there to listen, to talk me through things, to offer suggestions, to let me pick his brain, and to call me out when I'm full of shit.

This inner slave had been sort of crouched inside, waiting to emerge. And emerge it did. The Zen broke, and had to then stitch her Self back together. (Thanks, @Midnght, for that analogy!) One day I felt hurt and broken, the next I felt lighter, happier, more complete. One person called me a phoenix rising from the ashes. Someone else said I was like the velveteen rabbit - finally "real." People who have known me for years have literally been doing double-takes. It's an odd feeling to have random strangers approach me to chat, saying that I'm glowing and radiating pure joy. The statements "Freedom in slavery" and "Freedom in bondage" have never been truer. Knowing that I don't need a collar on my neck, nor do I need a Master to feel what's inside is an incredible thing. When my mentor used the phrase "slave heart" I broke down crying; I had NEVER heard anyone else refer to it like that, and it really captured the essence of the emotion. I was flabbergasted when he said I could learn to speak to my inner slave...What. The. FUCK?! You mean to tell me that this thing has been lurking, hiding, sleeping inside me for so long, and all this time I could have been talking to her? ~jaw drop~ How much time has been wasted not communicating with the slave inside, not acknowledging her, not accepting her? No matter. She's awake now. :)

The circumstances surrounding the breakage made it quite a learning experience. But that's my modus operandi/life philosophy: if I'm not making mistakes, I'm not learning, and if I'm not learning, growing, and changing, then I'm stagnant. Stagnation makes for an unhappy, unhealthy Zen. No matter how negative a situation may seem, if I can take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and say I learned something, THAT makes it a positive experience. And what I've recently learned about myself and my role changes everything in the most incredible way.

Someone found and pushed the "reset" button. ;-)

madamruppy: Celtic clovermadamruppy on March 1st, 2010 04:05 pm (UTC)
It isn’t something I understand for myself, but I don’t have to. You have put a lot of thought into this and I wish you so much happiness.