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01 March 2010 @ 10:52 am
Have no fear...  

He does not treat me like a delicate flower; He pushes my limits, driving me to become better, stronger, more open, fearless, trusting. He makes me feel that being at His feet is/would be the greatest privilege; I feel honored for being previously allowed to kneel before Him, and I hope to earn that privilege again. He inspires a depth of submission I did not know was possible; He can make me bow in reverence via text message (and has done so on multiple occasions).

The submission I experience is primal and heart-felt. It takes me outside of myself to view things in terms of whether or not my behaviors will please Him. There is no room for my ego, and while I have needs and desires, they are pushed aside in deference to His needs and desires. He gets the first claim to my time, attention, energy, and body, not because He has demanded it (truthfully, He never has), but because I willingly give it. I want to give it. Should He decide that He has some use for me, He gets priority.

I feel as though He sees who I am and what I can become, and He bends me to His will. He recognizes certain aspects of my submission and puts them to work. When others did not understand service-oriented submission, He did.

I struggled for a long time in accepting my identity as a submissive/slave. When the only person I could count on was me, it was natural to take on the role of Dominant/Top, even if that's not where I truly felt "at home." I have been very fortunate in meeting people who are competent and capable, people I can trust, even though it has taken some adjustment in order to hand over control. When Life situations dictate that you HAVE to be the one in charge, the organized one, the responsible one, finally being able to let go takes some getting used to. Now that I find myself in a time and place where I am no longer forced to be in control, there has been a fair amount of internal conflict. I have both longed for and feared the changes taking place.

The key, of course, is not allowing that internal conflict to impact my behavior, to sort it out on my own, on my time, without impeding His time, or anyone else's. To let go of fear and instead embrace trust. To trust not only Him, but also myself.

It cannot be forced, and it cannot be attempted. It either is or it is not; it is done or not done. I am, from now on, being open, honest, respectful, humble.

In time, I will trust, and I will have no fear.